


Midgard is for Lovers

by Smuttysmutwriter



Series: A Well Made Match [3]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Honeymoon, Intersexuality, M/M, Marriage, Midgardian Lovemaking, dealing with oversexed house guests, horrifying conversations with parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2012-12-02
Packaged: 2017-11-20 02:36:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/580341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smuttysmutwriter/pseuds/Smuttysmutwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A further sequel to "The Plate of Fidelity and Harmonious Love."  </p>
<p>Thor and Loki have run off to Midgard for the Honeyed Moon.  What happens on Midgard? Does Loki get along with Thor's Earth-pals? How are things going on Jotunheim? </p>
<p>Read on to find out, gentle reader...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Midgard is for Lovers

_Two months before the Wedding_

_“THOR!” the Allfather yelled out of his study, seeing his son trying to sneak past the doorway to his private chambers, “Get in here boy, stop trying to avoid me!”_

_Thor stopped in his tracks, his shoulder’s slumping. He turned and walked into Odin’s study, “Yes Father, you summoned me?”_

_“Such formality. You’re still smarting over being called back from Midgard, aren’t you?”_

_Thor’s mouth formed a narrow line, “There were many things I had to do there, many threats my protectorate faces, Father.”_

_Odin waved his hand dismissively, “They can survive without you until after the solstice, you said yourself they are less primitive than we at first thought. Now come, I have something to show you. There has been a delivery from Jotunheim.”_

_Thor clenched his fists, anger coming quickly. He had been saddened but resigned when his father had announced he had found a bride for his son, such things were inevitable and Thor had always known it would be his father who would say when and who he would marry. When he had found out his father had not found him a noblewoman of Vanaheim, or an Elfish princess to be his bride, but a Jotun, that is when he had felt true anger._

_A Jotun! Thor had matured since his attack on their land, he knew now that the Frost Giants were not primitive monsters and he no longer wished their deaths, but he also did not wish to be bound to one for the rest of his years. He wouldn’t even be marrying a woman! He was not a stranger to taking men as lovers but his tastes in such pursuits ran to the slender and finely formed, not to the heavily muscled giants he had seen running across the Jotun plains. There was no way he could see such a marriage working._

_“Don’t look so sour boy! I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised,” Odin clapped Thor on the shoulder, leading him over to a large painting standing in the corner of the study, covered in a white sheet, “Laufey finally got around to appointing an ambassador to our land. The good Jarnsaxa arrived this morning and he has brought you a little gift.”_

_“A painting?”_

_“A painting of your intended, son,” Odin rolled his eye. By the Tree, the boy could be thick when he wanted to be, “Go on, look!”_

_Thor growled in his throat. Wonderful, at least he would be able to recognise which of the grizzled Jotnar he would be bound to when their party arrived in a few months. It would probably still be difficult, the different horn shapes were really the only way he could tell one Frost Giant from another. He grabbed the sheet and snapped it down._

_Oh…_

_“Ha! I knew you’d be surprised!” Odin laughed, moving to sit behind his desk, “Pretty little morsel, isn’t he?”_

_Thor was dumbstruck, he closed his mouth from where it had fallen open, taking a moment before speaking, “He…he is…he doesn’t look like any Jotnar I’ve ever seen.”_

_“Of course not! They generally don’t bring out the runtlings when there are attacks on their land…if there are even any left apart from your Prince Loki. You should be thankful, my boy, I’ve gotten you what may be one of the last Jotun runts alive for you bride. Back in your Grandfather’s time they were worth their weight in diamonds as wives.”_

_“Runtling?” Thor wanted to face his father but found himself unable to look away from the portrait._

_Odin sighed deeply, “I really should have paid more attention to your schooling. You clearly didn’t take in anything from your lessons on Jotuns at all.”_

_The Allfather stood and ran his finger along the spines of his books until he found what he was looking for, eventually picking out a slim blue bound volume. He shoved the book into Thor’s hand, “Here, some bedtime reading. So you can at least know a little something of your future spouse apart from his looks.”_

_Thor blinked and looked down at the book, “On The Jotun Runtling” written in gold letting on the cover. He looked back at the portrait of his future wife, a pair of large, expressive red eyes staring back into him from inside the painting. He was sitting on a couch, blue skin bright against the dark fur he reclined on. A book was opened on his lap, the painter trying to create the impression that Loki had just looked up from his reading, and he held in one elegant hand one half of a clam shell, a symbol of fertility. There was a white fox fur tucked under his hips, a reminder of Loki’s purity as he came into the marriage. Even Thor knew how significant it was to the Jotun noble houses that those who bore children went to their marriage beds as virgins._

_He looked down at the book again, flicking through the pages until he saw a picture of a naked runtling, the intention of such a picture clearly being titillation rather than scientific enquiry if the pose chosen was any indication. Thor raised an eyebrow, flicking through a few more pages_

_“So, what do you think of your Jotun bride now, my son?”_

_Thor was silent for a moment, looking back at the painting, “Have the portrait placed in my rooms.”_

~*~*~

“This is stupid.”

Steve made a sharp “shh” and knocked on Thor’s apartment door again, giving Tony a hard glare. 

“Don’t ‘shh’ me! It is stupid! They don’t want a gift basket, I don’t care what Clint says.”

“It’s a nice gesture,” Steve said though gritted teeth, moving the ridiculously large gift basket in his arms, “We're trying to make them feel welcome.”

“They’re welcome! They’re 120% welcome, in fact. Why wouldn’t they feel welcome?”

“I don’t know Tony, maybe because a certain person kept making Smurf jokes at dinner when Loki arrived.”

“They were legitimately funny!”

“You’re just lucky neither of them knew what you were talking about!” Steve hissed, knocking again. Third time now, come on Thor. 

“Oh what? So we should all just sit around the table and ignore the big blue elephant in th- he-eeyy Thor! There’s one half of our favourite newlyweds!”

Thor blinked, looking a little dazed. He ran a hand through his tangled hair, “Friends…what brings you here?”

“Well, the team had a talk and we realised we hadn’t got you lovebirds a wedding present, so we got you a little something…” Tony gestured to the not so little basket wrapped in bright red cellophane and topped off with a big blue blow in Steve’s arms (the colour scheme had been his idea). 

“We can come back though…if you’re body…busy! If you’re busy!” Steve hastily added, noting Thor was only wearing a sheet.

A wide smile split Thor’s face, “Not at all! Come in, friends, come in!”

Thor opened the door wider, gathering the sheet up around him and walking back into the apartment. He gestured for Tony and Steve to sit in the lounge and walked over to the bedroom, opening the door and peeking in before joining them.

“You will have to forgive Loki, he is resting. The last few weeks have been…stressful for him. The wedding…you understand…”

“Oh yeah, table centrepieces, seating arrangements, Uncle Sigmund won’t be in the same room with Aunt Siguld, beef or chicken…we get it.”

Thor blinked. Steve cleared his throat and put the gift basket on the coffee table between them. 

“Go on, open it!”

Thor ripped open the cellophane and looked down at the generous selection of gifts. He picked up one of two bottles of champagne, “Ah, I know this, this drink is not unpleasant. You drink it when celebrating, do you not?”

“Yeah, got it in one. It’ll go well with the cheeses in there, you might want to pop those in the fridge,” Tony pulled a couple of wheels of cheese out of the basket, putting them down on the table, “Apart from that you’ve got some umm…some caviar, gourmet anchovies and sardines, this is body butter I think, fancy body butter…”

“Oh look…” Steve pulled out a small cake box, “Cupcakes, and they have little hearts on them…and these chocolates are heart shaped too. And this is…’sensual massage oil’. That’s…useful…”

Tony was starting to think that perhaps he should have read what was in the basket before ordering it (“Jesus Pepper, I’m not 2, I’m perfectly capable of ordering a gift basket over the internet!”), especially when Thor picked up a pair of white panties, rhinestones spelling out “Just Married” on the butt. 

“Are these for me, because I do not believe they will fit…”

There was an awkward moment of silence where Steve looked like he wanted the overstuffed couch he was sitting on to swallow him up. Tony coughed to cover a laugh. Thor put the panties aside and started rooting through the basket again, thankfully only full of more gourmet food (a salami, some jams, coffee beans), Tony was a little worried there might be a bottle of lube or some sort of ‘marital aid’ in there somewhere. 

There was a soft noise as the bedroom door clicked open, Thor instantly looking up. Loki appeared in the doorway, clinging to the doona from the bed and his hair out of its plaits, sleepy and messy. Thor walked over, making a low noise. He put a hand on Loki’s hip and pulling him close, nuzzling his neck. Steve made a pointed effort to look through the gift basket, Tony was, as always, less discrete and openly stared, nudging Steve. 

“Come back to bed…” 

“We have guests, wife. Put on a robe and come see the gifts they have brought us…”

Loki made a displeased little groan, disappearing inside the bedroom again, emerging a few moments later wearing a dressing gown. He sat down on the couch next to Thor and started to look through the items on the table. He picked up the coffee beans and sniffed them, blinking at the scent.

“You remember Tony Stark and the Captain, don’t you my love?”

Loki nodded sleepily, rubbing the heel of his hand over his eyes. He leant back on the couch, tucking his feet up under him. 

Steve cleared his throat, “You’re liking Earth so far, Loki?”

“Enjoying your honeymoon?” Tony added, earning himself a kick to the ankle from Steve, a super soldier kick he might add. Ouch! 

“Oh yes” Loki regarded the strange little man who, as he recalled from dinner, seem to think himself very funny, “Your hospitality is a credit to this Realm, Tony Stark.” 

Tony smirked and quirked an eyebrow at Loki, maybe the blue skin wasn’t so distracting after all...or at least distracting in a different way…

“Here, Loki, there are some cured fish here,” Thor handed the can of anchovies to Loki, “You like that…”

Loki ran a hand through his hair, pushing it off his face and picked up the can, turning it over in his hands, “How do I get them out?”

“Ah, let me help,” Steve took the small rectangular can and pulled open the ring pull, “Took me a little while to work these out myself.”

Loki took the can back in his blue skinned hand, looking down at the tiny fillets swimming in oil, a strong smell of salt came off the fish and made Loki’s mouth water. He did love cured fish. 

He dipped his fingers into the oil, picking up a single anchovy fillet and slurping it into his mouth. The effect was instantaneous, his whole face lit up and he turned to face Thor, “Thor! These tiny fish! They are just like the dish I was telling you about! Well…much smaller…but still, the taste is the same!”

Loki started digging more fillets out, putting them in his mouth one at a time, the oil from the tin dripping off his fingers and onto his chin. Thor smiled fondly and swiped his thump over Loki’s skin, wiping it away. 

Tony cleared his throat, “So…how big are the anchovies back where you’re from, Loki?”

Loki licked his thumb, “Well…the fillets of prillup fish which we cure, they’re usually about the size of oh…this table roughly.” Loki nodded towards the coffee table, “Not quite as wide but certainly just as long.”

“Huh. Pretty big then?”

Loki smirked, running a long pink tongue along his bottom lip, “You’ll find everything is much bigger where I come from, Tony Stark.”

“Well…” Steve clapped his hands down on his knees and stood, “We don’t want to overstay our welcome. You two probably have a lot of…plenty to do, so we’ll be off. Come on Tony.”

“But we were just…”

“Come _on_ Tony!” Steve grabbed Tony by the top of the ear, pulling him out of the room. 

They had definitely overstayed their welcome. 

~*~*~

Jarnsaxa watched with a careful eye as the servants who had been sent to greet him unloaded the cases from the carriage which had carried all of the items he had brought back from Asgard. The Plate of Fidelity was taken carefully, good. Two servants picked up the wedding portrait with reverent hands and carried it inside, very good. Loki’s wedding headdress and the case of toys the prince had sent for his brothers each had a servant carrying them, excellent. 

Soon only two items were left and Jarnsaxa was faced with a quandary. Left behind was the Casket of Ancient Winters and Loki’s fur. Jarnsaxa wanted to enter the throne room triumphant, which would mean carrying the most important item in his arms to present to the King. Which would Laufey King consider the most important out of the two items…?

The Casket was the obvious choice, it was the heart of the Land. Its return would ensure the end of the famine, would shorten the long black winters enough to allow the people enough time to properly rebuild the cities instead of spending every spare moment of the summer scrounging enough food to ensure barest survival. 

But on the other hand, Jarnsaxa knew the King had almost considered refusing Odin’s offer to return the Casket as bride price for Loki, so great was his love of his children. Perhaps the fur, stained with the blood of Loki’s maidenhead, plus a glowing report of Loki’s excellent behaviour throughout the preparations for the wedding (and really, he had been very good considering the circumstances) would be better received…

Jarnsaxa stared down at the two remaining items for a few moments more, tapping a finger on his lips. A servant approached him, advising that the King was waiting in the throne room and was _most anxious_ that Jarnsaxa give his report of the wedding. The Ambassador made a snap decision, placing the jeweled box containing Loki’s fur on top of the Casket and turning to carry both at the same time into the Palace. 

Inside the throne room, Laufey sat on top of his carved throne, imperious and proud, watching with narrowed eyes as the servants placed the gifts and sacred items on the floor in front of him. He nudged Farbauti with his foot, pointing out the wedding portrait as it was uncovered and lent against the wall. 

Jarnsaxa waited until he was properly announced, the herald calling his name into the hall before he made his entrance. He walked slowly, holding his quarry in front of him so Laufey could clearly see what he was bringing. The Casket thrummed in his hands, pulsing gently, almost cheerfully Jarnsaxa would say if he didn’t know better. 

When he reached the thone, Jarnsaxa kneeled, holding up both the Casket and the jeweled box in his hands. 

“Great Laufey King, Ruler of the Frost and Snow, Keeper of the line of Ymir, tamer of urukr, bane of the Allfather, summoner of Manwe…”

“For the love of sanity Jarnsaxa, get on with it!” Laufey snapped, interrupting the calling of his titles. He was worrying at an icicle on the underside of his thone, his eyes flicking over to the portrait of Thor and Loki periodically. 

Jarnsaxa fought hard not to scowl (he’d practiced that!) “Your majesty, you will forgive my impudence but the return of the Casket of Ancient Winters is an occasion which I believe warrants a certain degree of formality!”

“We’re having the official Festival of Glorious Return next week…”

Jarnsaxa’s mouth remained in a firm line, he did not speak or move. 

Laufey sighed, “Oh fine, if it will keep that foul look off your face.”

Jarnsaxa made a satisfied noise and started his recitation again, from the beginning. Ten minutes later, when all of Laufey’s official titles had been called, the ambassador officially presented the Casket to its true master. 

Laufey took it in his hands, a burst of energy running through him just from the touch. He felt, for the first time in one thousand years…whole…complete. The Casket was linked to the line of Ymir the way the Allfather was bound to the Odinforce and the power of the World Tree. Without it, not only had their world withered, but Jotuneheim’s King had been lost in his own body, depleted. 

He placed the Casket on his lap, leaning back on his throne and breathing in the power, the feeling of comfort and wholeness washing over him. Now it was back, he could not quite imagine how he had lived without it for a millennium. 

The thought of such reminded him of the circumstances in which the Casket was returned. Laufey opened his eyes, staring down to the still kneeling Jarnsaxa. 

“And what of Loki? How fared my son through the wedding?”

The ambassador picked up a small jeweled box from where he had placed it on the ground and opened it, showing Laufey the pure white fox fur, folded in such a way so that the blood stains were displayed right in the centre of the fur. 

“You would have been so proud, your Majesty. He comported himself with dignity, with grace, he remembered every line of his vows and, if I may your Majesty, every Aesir remarked to me on his beauty and fine form.”

Laufey took the box in his hands, barely hearing Jarnsaxa’s report. Pride swelled in him as he saw Loki’s blood on the fur from his son’s First Night. He would have it displayed immediately, all of the Court would see that Loki had been pure on his wedding night, that his son took his responsibilities as a bearer of young seriously. 

There had been whispers, after the Hronn Incident, that maybe Laufey King was shipping his son off to the Aesir, for whom virginity was of lesser value than it was among the Jotun, because Loki had allowed passion with a handsome guard to overtake his mind and make him forget his duty... 

Well, let the whisperers see now that Laufey raised the fruits of his womb well! 

He snapped his fingers, a servant appearing at his side, “Have this placed in the Display Room. I want word sent to all of the Court that there will be a compulsory viewing of Loki Prince’s fur tomorrow after first sittings.”

The servant bowed and made to leave, Laufey grabbed him by a horn and pulled him close, “And make it well known that the punishment for non-attendance will be administered by Farbauti of the West Frosts himself, and it will be _severe_.”

The servant made a high pitched noise and scurried away. Laufey’s eye was caught again by the wedding portrait. It was a formal picture, as befitted the situation of course, but Laufey was caught by how stern Thor looked, how large and heavy his hand appeared on Loki’s shoulder…

“And how fares Loki…personally, Cousin?” Laufey started picking again at the icicles on his throne’s underside, “Has the Odinson truly improved as we have heard?”

Jarnsaxa chuckled, “Your Majesty, I believe there is little to worry about there. The Odinson has been tempered by banishment well. In truth I think he is quite taken with your son, he could barely take his eyes off him any time they were in the same room and Loki Prince has told me that Thor has been kind.”

“He said this himself?”

“He did, my King, and he has asked me to deliver this letter to you both…”

Laufey took the letter in his hand, quickly ripping the seal and opening it. He had given Loki a simple code before he left, a way for them to communicate without fear of interception. If Loki was facing mistreatment, if his new husband was cruel, he would leave two large blots on the left margin on his letter. If any other was mistreating him he would leave one blot. No blots would indicate that there was nothing for his Dam to fear but would be a neutral statement. A mention of Loki’s favourite food, the prillup fish, would indicate he was content. 

Laufey scanned the letter. Loki’s penmanship was perfect, as always, and not a blot could be seen on the page. A great weight left Laufey’s chest. His eyes ran over the words, looking for a mention of prillup fish. 

There! In the final line!

_And finally Dam, they have here on Asgard a dish similar to our own prillup fish. I have had a moment to try some but have found it lacking compared to our own._

_Perhaps in time though, I will grow to like it._

Thank Ymir! He was alright. Loki was alright, even content, on Asgard and married to the Odinson. Laufey heaved a great sigh, handing the letter down to Farbauti to read. Perhaps he was not the worst dam who had ever birthed…

The door to the throne room slammed open and Byleistr’s voice came down the hall, a single word echoing. 

“Presents!”

Laufey heard Farbauti rumble beside him, rubbing a hand over his forhead. Byleistr covered the space from the door to the thone in record time. 

“Presents, presents, presents, presents!” He ran in a circle around the throne, then around Jarnsaxa before diving in front of the large chest Loki had sent back, “Is this it? Are my toys in there?”

“Dear one, please,” Farbauti said from his place, “A little dignity. Would your old brothers behave in such a way?”

It was at that moment that Helblindi entered, Nal on his hip and Kolga trailing him (as he always did). Helblindi saw the chest and other items returned items from Asgard and instantly handed Nal off to his sire, making a run for the chest.

“Presents, presents, presents, presents!” The Heir of Jotunheim pushed his little brother out of the way, trying to get to the chest first, “I’m the oldest, I get to look first!”

“Hey!” Byleistr shoved back, “You’re the ugliest too, that doesn’t mean you go first!”

Faubauti stood and separated the two of them, picking up the huge chest and taking it from them, “If neither of you can behave, I will be the first too look!”

Both princes groaned, sitting down on the floor in front of their sire as he took his seat to the front of Laufey’s throne and opened the chest, “Now…Byleistr, was it you who Loki sent this lovely painted silk for?”

“No!” Byeistr shouted, Helblindi reached out his hand for it. Faubauti gave a chuckle and the handed the beautiful silk over to his eldest who took it and rubbed a corner against his cheek. 

Laufey looked down at them, his family, and a fondness filled him, tinged with something small and bittersweet as he was reminded that there was one person missing from the scene. He imagined Loki perhaps sitting on his Sire’s knee, as he used to like to do, helping him hand out the gifts and deciding who got what. 

“Cousin…” Jarnsaxa appeared beside the throne, seeing tears building in Laufey’s eyes, “Please…do not fear for your child. I strongly believe, after seeing and speaking with the two of them that Thor and Loki are well matched.”

“Truly?”

“Truly. I think in time, he will find himself very happy in Asgard…”

Laufey looked down at his children and mate, Byleistr bouncing excitedly as a large model boat in the Aesir style, a horse head carved into the prow, was handed to him by his sire. 

“Well…as long as he is happy…”

~*~*~

Loki woke to the start of his second week in Midgard to the feeling of warm lips kissing down his chest. He smiled slowly, a short laugh escaping from his mouth as he felt the lips travelling down over his stomach. They touched sensitive flesh just south of his hipbone and Loki’s hips jerked away, ticklish…

“Hmm…what are you doing?”

Loki got no answer, Thor’s mouth occupied as it made its way further down Loki’s body. Loki kept his eyes closed, the kisses starting to linger as Thor got closer to his mark. Loki felt Thor’s beard brush against the side of his cock and then Thor’s mouth, burning and wet, slip over the head of his cock. 

Loki’s eyes went wide. He snapped up onto his elbows, placing a foot on Thor’s shoulder and shoving him away with a burst of strength. He scrambled up the bed, grabbing a pillow and covering himself with it. 

“Ouch! What was that for?” Thor rubbed his shoulder, giving Loki a confused look from under the sheet hanging over his head. 

“What do you think? What were you doing…down there?”

“I merely wanted to show you Midgardian lovemaking.”

“Midgardian lovemaking?!” Loki spluttered, Thor had mentioned such behaviour before but Loki had been certain it was some sort of joke, “You jest! Shame on you, blaming these poor primitive people for your perversions!”

“I swear, it is the truth. They do this all the time here!”

“They do not!”

“How would you know?”

“I just do!” Loki crossed his arms, “No civilized people does…that…”

“They do on Asgard,” Thor challenged, “You just have to know which places to go…”

“Oh, and I suppose you know all about that, don’t you?” Loki got up from the bed, stalking over to window and staring out at New York, “You no doubt know every room of every whore house in Asgard and on this Realm. It makes sense; you Aesir only demand virginity from your brides!”

Thor watched Loki, rolling onto his stomach, “Your people demand it as well from your…what was the word again…your bearers. What truly bothers you Loki?”

Loki was silent for a moment, his bottom lip thrust out beyond his top, “Is it true you had a lover here?”

Thor sighed, this was no doubt inevitable, “Aye. I did.”

“Was it one of them? The red haired woman…?”

“Lady Natasha?” Thor chuckled, “No, she is a formidable warrior…but no. You have not met her.”

“What was her name?”

“Jane.”

“Were you in love with her?”

“Loki…” Thor rolled onto his back, rubbing a hand over his face, “When I was banished here…”

“After attacking my home and killing my Dam’s warriors…”

“Yes, after that…Jane was the one who found me and helped me. She taught me much about how to be a good person, one worthy to rule…to have a wife. We were close and I am still very fond of her…”

Loki made an exasperated noise and crossed his arms over his chest, pointedly not looking at Thor. Fine, he could get used to this. This would not be the first political marriage of convenience. He’d have lovers too! Hundreds of them! He’d start with that fair haired captain he’d been introduced to…

“But I do not love her, Loki.”

Thor was silent for a moment, waiting for Loki to make some move. When he didn’t Thor pressed on, “I do not feel for her what I feel for you…”

“Tch, pretty words. I suppose she taught you all about Midgardian lovemaking, did she?”

Thor just smiled and shrugged, knowing well there was no answer he could give to Loki for that question and come away not sleeping in the living room. Loki hmphed and turned back to window. 

“Loki, please, you must know there was no future between Lady Jane and I. She is a fine woman but mortal, her life short and her body fragile, I always feared for her safety. We could never be wed, even if the Court would accept her as my Queen she would never leave her work here and I would never ask it of her. No Loki, she is a part of my past. You are my future.”

Thor thought it prudent not to mention that, although he and Jane had not been strangers to each other’s bodies, love making had not proven an easy task due to his weight and size. The restraint he had had to employ during intimacy had meant that neither party found sex as satisfying as it could be. He was used to his partners being a little more…robust and had known even before his Father announced his betrothal that perhaps a future between him and the Lady Jane was not woven in the Norn’s threads. 

“Now please Loki, let us not fight on our Honeyed Moon,” Thor patted beside him on the sheets, “Come back to bed…”

Loki flicked his hair over one shoulder, sauntering slowly back to the bed and perching on the edge of the mattress, “I suppose you still want to be…depraved…”

Thor moved closer and kissed Loki’s arm, “I will not if you do not wish it…I simply think that you will find it can be quite enjoyable.”

“It cannot be clean…you kiss me with the same lips…”

“Your body is clean, is it not? You bathed not an hour ago and if you wish I will wash my mouth before kissing you again.”

Loki shifted where he sat, his cock twitched at the memory of the wetness of Thor’s mouth surrounding its head, “I will not return the favour…I am telling you that now.”

“Then consider this a gift I give to you,” Thor’s voice was deeper, he kissed a line up Loki’s arm, pulling him down onto the bed. 

“Another one?” Loki purred, laying back and letting Thor reach between his legs, “A horse, a trip to Midgard, now this? We must not let my parents know or else they will accuse you of spoiling me.”

“Oh I have no intentions of telling your parents about this.”

Thor moved down the bed, Loki bending his knees and parting his legs so Thor could sit between them. Thor looked down then back up at Loki, pointedly licking his lips. Loki shivered and kept his eyes on him as Thor descended, pressing kisses to Loki’s inner thighs as he went. 

Thor’s mouth closed over the end of Loki’s cock again and started to bob shallowly, not going too fast yet, giving Loki a chance to get used to the sensation. He swirled his tongue around the head, hearing Loki give a surprised little “ah” and started sliding his fingers up and down Loki’s slit. Loki’s thighs trembled and his hips shifted a little as Thor started gently circling his clitoris. 

He worked slowly, building Loki up until he was moaning and clenching the sheets in his hands. He started bobbing faster, working the underside of Loki’s cock with his tongue while still keeping up a steady rhythm on his clit. 

“Thor…ahhh…” Loki gasped as Thor took him down to the hilt, sucking hard. He’d changed his mind entirely, this behaviour was not depraved, it was…oh…it was wonderful. 

Thor let Loki’s cock fall out of his mouth, giving one long lick from base right to the tip and swirling around the head. He ran his hands up the undersides of Loki’s thighs before pushing them up and against Loki’s chest. 

“Hold onto your knees…mmm yes, a little wider apart…perfect…”

Loki held under his knees, holding his legs apart, looking up at Thor with wide eyes.

“If only you could see yourself wife…you’re perfect.”

Loki closed his eyes, waiting for the delicious sucking to start again (please, more. He needed more). They snapped wide open though when he felt a hot slippery tongue slide along the length of his slit, Thor giving a satisfied chuckle at Loki’s gasp. 

“You're not…ohhhh!”

He was. Thor traced his tongue between the outer lips, using his fingers to part them then sliding his tongue along the inner folds, moving up and down, dipping into Loki’s opening to taste. Loki’s hips jerked upwards, he held onto his own legs like an anchor. 

Thor’s tongue started to flick against the little nub at the head of Loki’s female sex and Loki groaned, back arching on the bed. From then Loki was gone, all coherent thought flying from his mind. He lost grip on his legs and let them fall wide on the bed, spread open shamelessly. 

As Thor increased his pace, he felt a cold hand rest on the back of his head, tangling in his hair and holding him in place. 

“Don’t stop…Gods Thor, please, don’t stop.”

Thor didn’t, sliding two of his fingers inside Loki and thrusting, his fingers curled at the tip to hit to hit the other centre of Loki’s pleasure. Loki wailed and thrashed on the bed, the words “don’t stop” falling out of his mouth over and over, like a chant. He’d never felt anything like this, he felt so much heat inside of him…sex, lust pulsing between his legs where Thor’s tongue was moving over his flesh. 

His hips started to cant up irregularly against Thor’s mouth, Thor having to hold onto Loki’s hips to stop himself from being thrown off. He kept up his fast rhythm, thrusting and flicking his tongue. 

For a moment Loki almost wanted to push Thor off him, the feeling too intense, burning and coiling inside of him until his whole body stiffened, his back arching almost impossibly and everything…everything releasing, flooding out of his body, waves of something new and wonderful washing over him. 

Thor heard Loki’s wail and felt his body stiffen. His passage clamped down around Thor’s fingers, a burst of wetness forcing them out. He watched Loki ride through his orgasm, a smile pulling up one corner of his mouth as he saw Loki’s body go limp and sink onto the mattress. 

He pressed a single kiss to the rise to his wife’s hipbone, Loki twitching under him, his whole body flushed and sensitive, before crawling up the bed and pushing a pillow under his head. 

“Well my Loki, what are your thoughts on Midgardian love now?”

Loki made a soft noise and rolled over, letting Thor wrap his arms around him. 

~*~*~

_The Day of the Wedding_

_Thor wobbled, placing a hand on the intricately painted china plate which graced his head, earning himself a growl from the Jotun Ambassador._

_“Do I have to remind you again you highness, of the significance of this item?”_

_“No, no!” Thor said quickly, righting himself with some effort, making sure to keep his left leg high while he balanced on his right, “It is just…it has been some time. How much longer?”_

_Jarnsaxa narrowed his eyes, pulling a time piece out of some inexplicable pocket on his loincloth, “You have made three hours. Congratulations, Prince Thor, you have passed the halfway mark.”_

_“Oh…thank you.” By the Tree, another two hours of this?! “Ugh…can we at least close the window…please. It’s drafty and I’m…well…”_

_“The first who wore the Plate stood in the centre of the ice sheets of the intemperate East Frosts for twice the time you are required to in order to win the light of his heart. Perhaps I need to have a discussion with the Allfather about your disturbing lack of commitment to this marriage, Prince Thor?”_

_Thor closed his eyes, repressing a sigh, “No, Ambassador. That will be fine.”_

_Jarnsaxa looked at his timepiece again, “Very good. Now, if you will excuse me your highness, the day is moving quickly and I must see that your intended has risen. I can trust you in your commitment, can I not?”_

_“Oh yes, of course Ambassador.”_

_Vostagg nodded from where he sat on one of the couches in the room, “Do not concern yourself Ambassador. I am married myself and know well of the duties which come with such, I will see to it that Thor spends the full time wearing the Plate.”_

_This seemed to please the Ambassador who gave Vostagg a small nod before leaving the room to go and wake Loki for the day. As soon as he was clear and the door closed behind him, Fandral leapt up to peek out, watching carefully at the Jotun’s retreating back._

_“He’s gone. You’re safe.”_

_Thor heaved a sigh, stepping back onto both feet. With his foot down his arms no longer had to be out to balance him and he moved them to cover his nakedness. Sif chuckled from her own place on another couch._

_“So bashful Thor, you’re going to have to lose that before tonight.”_

_Vostagg laughed at Sif’s words, helping himself to an apple from the basket on the table. Thor moved his hands to make a rude gesture at her before returning them. Fandral stayed by the door, doing penance by keeping guard after the unfortunate incident three nights before. He kept his eye on the crack in door and reached for the blue bound book he had been flipping through while waiting for Jarnsaxa to leave._

_“Your Father gave this to you?” he said, turning the book longways to better…appreciate one of the larger illustrations of a Jotun runt._

_“He did,” Thor didn’t take the Plate off, holding it to his head with a hand as he plucked a pear from the fruit bowl to chew on, “I’ve read most of it…”_

_“Check to see if any of the pages are stuck together, Fandral,” Vostagg offered with a laugh, Sif and Hogun joining him._

_Thor grunted, “I was saying…I have read most of it and I believe the author kept one of those runtling brothels, the ones which were outlawed just before the war started. I do not think it was written with any true study of their people in mind, it more reads like a sales manual.”_

_Fandral heard footsteps and checked the door, eyes widening, “It’s the Allfather! Quickly, back in position!”_

_Thor ran for the exact centre of the room, standing back on one leg with his arms wide as was required of him. Fandral tossed the book to Hogun who shoved it back in Thor’s bookshelf and then leapt over the back of the couch to sit down, Fandral moving his chair to a less suspicious distance from the door._

_The door flew wide, admitting the Allfather wearing his ceremonial clothing but not yet in his full armour, he seemed in good spirits, pleased that the marriage which had been such agony to orchestrate would be finalised today._

_“Ahh, my boy! How fares you?”_

_Thor looked over at his Father from where he stood in the centre of the room, on one leg, wearing nothing but a 10,000 year old porcelain plate, “Oh…as with any other day Father. Yourself?”_

_The Allfather chuckled, he addressed the Warriors Three and Lady Sif, “If I may have a moment with my son…”_

_Thor’s friends stood and bowed, filing out of the room. Odin made himself comfortable on the couch, picking up a peach and turning it over in his hands. There was silence for some time, Thor wobbled again where he stood._

_“So…” the Allfather said eventually, “You feel you are ready for the wedding, my son?”_

_“I have memorised all of my vows, if that is what you mean Father,” Thor looked askance at Odin, noting his Father’s strong interest in a simple peach, “That isn’t what you mean, is it?”_

_“You are aware of course that Prince Loki is untouched…”_

_“Oh no Father, I was not aware! How could this have been kept from me? Now you mention it though, I do believe the Ambassador said something about it once or, I do not know, every time he’s opened his mouth since the moment he stepped through the Bifrost!”_

_The Allfather was unfazed, “I see they have taught you sarcasm down there on Midgard. Good for them. I would just like to impart on you my son, how important it is…”_

_Gods no! Not this! Anything but this! Thor suddenly dearly wished for Jarnsaxa’s return, anything would be preferable to this conversation!_

_“…that you display a little tenderness towards your bride.”_

_“Father please!”_

_“Do not interrupt me. Now, have you read that book I gave you?”_

_“Yes father, I am well aware-“_

_“Then you will know that Loki’s anatomy is not unlike one of our own maidens…in places. He has a perfectly functioning clitoris you know?”_

_“Merciful Norns!”_

_Thor didn’t think he’d ever recover from hearing his father say that word. When he did return to Midgard he was going to have a word with Bruce about some of that ‘therapy’ the Doctor spoke so fondly of…_

_“All I am saying is, do not be afraid to take your time once you and Loki have been laid down. You have all night!”_

_The quickest way Thor could think to end this discussion was simply to agree with Odin, “Yes Father. That is sound advice. I will keep it in my mind tonight.”_

_Please let that be the end of it. Please._

_“Very good,” Odin clapped his hand down on Thor’s shoulder, almost dislodging the Plate but steadying it with his own hand. He looked into his son’s eyes for a while before speaking again, “Do you like him, my boy? The bride I have chosen for you?”_

_Thor looked back, surprised at the note of doubt in his Father’s voice, “I do Father. I admit at first I doubted your wisdom in this but…I think Loki and I will be well together.”_

_Odin seemed to relax, the set of his shoulders suddenly less stiff, “Good. Very good. Now, as soon as you’re done here you must hurry to the bathing rooms, wash well behind your ears…the wedding is in four hours!”_

_“Yes father. How could I forget?”_

~*~*~

Tony sometimes found himself wondering if there was something about New York in particular which attracted so many super villains and gigantic monsters bent on destruction. Really, there were other cities in the world, in the United States even, which would make just as good targets for announcing your plans of world domination as the Big Apple. LA was practically asking for it! But no, apparently New York was the place to be for your emerging super villain or newly mutated monster.

Well, at least Tony didn’t have to commute…

Today’s member of the Treat to Humanity of the Month Club was a fifty foot tall spider…slug…thing. It had crawled out from under a nuclear power station upstate, had proved itself impervious to all attempts at military intervention put in front of it, and was now currently oozing its way down Fifth Avenue and destroying everything in its path. The fact that its slime stank like something which had crawled into a sewer and died and then been rolled in burning hair didn’t help. It was so bad the Hulk had actually refused to fight it, saying “Hulk no like smelly bug” before jumping off to wherever it was he went when he wanted to cool down. 

It also wasn’t helping that everything they threw at the big oozy Whatever seemed to go straight through it and leave the beast untouched. Tony fired another reactor blast, scowling as it hit Spider-slug-zilla and exited the other side of it with a wet plopping noise, leaving a small crater on the street. 

Matters were further not helped by the fact that Loki had decided to come along for today’s battle, leaving Thor distracted and, dare Tony say, showing off, if all that bicep flexing was anything to go by. 

“Dammit!” Steve said, his shield lodging in the monster’s slimy flank, “Thor, give him a shock, see if electricity has any effect on it…Thor… _Thor_!”

“Aye Captain?” Thor finally paid attention, dragging himself away from where he had been resting his arm on a wall beside Loki’s head. 

“Thor! Focus! Give it a blast, maybe electricity will have some effect on it.”

“Ah! A fine plan! Loki, watch this!”

Thor did his whole thunder and lightning routine on the Thing with some slightly disappointing results. The bolt of lightning Thor summoned to strike right in the centre of the beast hit its mark, disappearing inside it. Spidey-slug paused for a moment, it seemed to wobble, for a hopeful second Tony thought they might be able to call it a day…

Then the creature gave a massive burp, expelling some smoke out of what Tony assumed was its mouth, and continued oozing on its merry way. 

On the plus side, the wobbling and burp did dislodge Steve’s shield from the Thing’s side. It hit the pavement with a sloppy clang noise, Steve didn’t run to pick it up. 

Tony was just thinking about a strategic retreat so he could dig out some of his older inventions (there had to be something there that would work…) when he noticed out of the corner of his eye a now familiar blue figure approaching the slug, regarding it with mild curiosity, seemingly uncaring about the stink or the slime. 

Tony noticed Loki getting dangerously close to the Thing before Thor did, but only by a millisecond. By then it was too late though. Thor roared out Loki’s name as his wife backed up a few paces, then made a run at the slug, diving into the creature’s side and burrowing in. 

Thor roared again, making a run at the beast, trying to grab Loki’s foot as it disappeared inside the slime. The noise he made was pure anguish, hands coming up and burying in his hair. He slammed Mjolnir into the monster’s side again and again, pulling it out each time with a wet sucking noise, no visible damage left to the beast. Clint fired more exploding arrows only to have them absorbed just like the reactor blasts Tony fired again and again. 

Something was happening to the beast though. It seemed to slow a little, then came to a full stop right in the middle of road, giving a low gurgle. Thor redoubled his efforts, perhaps it was having an effect after all!

Then the slug-spider gave a scream, a long, high pitched strangled noise, something horrible and ear shattering and full of pain. A long…what was that? Crystal…ice maybe, shard appeared from the centre of the spider’s head, ripping open a hole large enough for Loki to squeeze himself, dripping and coated with thick grey slime, out from. 

That was the end of the creature. It wobbled one final time, gave a smaller cry and then just…collapsed in on itself in a big semi-liquid pile off goop. 

Loki picked himself up from the ground, clutching something close to his chest. Thor ran up, already yelling at Loki about putting himself at risk, the danger he had put himself in. Loki wiped off his face, spitting out some slime, and held out the large fleshy object to Thor. 

Tony heard Clint in his earpiece as he landed, “Oh man, is that the heart? Is he offering him the heart? That is so Game of Thrones…”

“Aww, that’s sort of sweet,” Natasha’s voice came over the comm., “…and gross, definitely gross.”

Tony walked over, helping Steve up from where’d gotten stuck trying to pull his shield out of the muck and giving him a slap on the back.

Steve grimaced, flicking slime off his fingers, “Just another Tuesday, huh?”

Tony flicked up his face plate, giving an exhausted laugh. He could feel the slime of the monster seeping inside the suit, already gumming up the joints, “Come on, let’s get over there before the Honeymooners start getting freaky. Thor’s getting that look on his face…”

“Jesus,” Steve tried to wipe slime off his shield, “You’d think they’d be getting tired of it by now.”

Tony gave Steve a look but said nothing, they both turned to face Thor and his wife, only to find them already locked in a passionate embrace, the big fleshy thing Loki had pulled from the slug forgotten on the ground. 

“Augh! For the love of…” Steve held a hand up in front of him, trying to block them both out as Thor made a grab from Loki’s ass. 

Clint walked over, holding as many slime encrusted arrows in his hands as he could find, “Man, can’t we get them a hotel room or something…on another continent maybe? I mean, I’m as open minded as the next guy but even I have my limits.”

There was the unmistakable click of an iPhone camera going off, the three Avengers snapping around to see an amateur photo journalist taking a quick snapshot of Thor and Loki. Hell no, “Thor and Character from Avatar Caught on Camera” was not the sort of press the Avengers or SHIELD needed right now. 

Clint knocked an arrow and sent it straight through the poor kid’s phone. Tony would probably get sent the bill for that one…

“Come on, we have to get them somewhere out of the public eye,” Steve said, warding off another couple of people who had started filtering out of the buildings besides the road, “Before they really get started…”

~*~*~

“Obviously you haven’t hunted blubber whales before, have you husband?” Loki said with a smug smile, one that tried to cover the slight shake in his hands as Thor ushered him into their apartment. 

Thor locked the apartment door and instantly pulled Loki too him, “You should warn me before you do that again.”

“I wanted to surprise you.”

Thor kissed Loki, hard, pleased when he felt Loki’s back curve under his hand, fitting against him, “I was more scared than surprised…” he ran his hand over Loki’s cheek, “Can you imagine the trouble if I returned to Asgard without you…I am in trouble enough as it is, your Dam will have me skinned when we return…”

“Ah fear not husband, I have the King of Jotunheim’s ear, I will speak on your behalf…” he licked his lips, “Beg for clemency…”

“I am lucky then,” Thor kissed his wife again, so pleased that Loki had taken so to the gesture, opening his mouth already, tongue sweet and cool when it touched his own, “…very lucky.”

They kissed again and Loki shivered in Thor’s arms, Thor already pulling at the tie of his loincloth. It fell off his hips to the ground, Thor undoing his own pants, pulling his cock free. Loki made to step away, trying to lead Thor to the bedroom but Thor help him in place.

“No…here…” Thor started to kneel, pulling Loki down with him.

“On the floor?”

“I cannot wait…”

Loki gave a small groan, laying back on the floor, “You are an animal Odinson.”

“If I am an animal it is only because you make me one, wife.”

Loki gave a strangled moan as Thor thrust into him. There was a slight burn, delicious, rough, as Thor started a fast pace. He wrapped his legs around Thor’s hips and thrust up to meet him, Thor grabbing Loki’s wrists and pinning them beside his head. 

Loki rolled his head to the side, closing his eyes. Thor truly was an animal, unbroken and feral. He groaned again. How did Thor do this to him? Make him feel like his whole body was burning, like he couldn’t stop if he tried, if he wanted to. 

He never would have imagined, when he had first leaned of Odin’s offer, that he would end up like this, being taken on the floor like a tavern wench on Midgard of all possible places. The thought almost made him laugh but the only sound that came out of his mouth a strangled gasp as Thor licked and bit at one of his nipples. 

Thor increased his pace, Loki hearing the loud slapping of their bodies. His toes curled, Thor shifted, letting Loki’s wrists free as he lent down and kissed Loki’s shoulder, leaving a trail of small bites on his wife’s collarbone. 

“Touch yourself,” Thor growled in Loki’s ear, “I want to see you…”

Loki did as he was bidden, taking a hold of his length and stroking, trying to match his pace to Thor’s. It only took a few strokes before he came with a groan, his come splattering onto his stomach. Thor kept thrusting, his hips stuttering forward as he got closer to his own release. He made a grunt, his eyes closing and his head flopping forward as he came inside. Loki made a soft noise and stroked his hands up and down Thor’s upper arms, Thor laying down on top of him and holding his wife close. 

Eventually Thor groaned and rolled off to the side, still fully dressed apart from his cock flopping obscenely out of the front of his pants, Loki spread naked on the floor beside him. Thor grabbed his hand and brought the back of it to his lips. 

“Loki…sweet Loki…”

Loki’s laugh came out more as a shudder, “You and your honeyed words…”

Thor simply chuckled, kissing the back of Loki’s hand again, then pressing his lips over the lovers knot which still graced his wrist. Thor still wore his as well, they were enchanted so the knots could not be undone, just as the wearer’s could not be unbound from each other. After 100 years or so the ribbon would wear through but by then their love would be strong enough that no visual reminder would be needed…or at least that was the idea…

“Well...” Loki shifted, rolling closer to Thor, “There are none who can say you do not keep me well bred.”

He chuckled at his own words. Thor was silent a moment, then rolled over to face Loki. 

“You wish for a child, Loki?”

Loki’s head flopped to the side to look at Thor, a hand playing with Thor’s cape where it spread over the carpet, “Well…that is the general point of this whole endeavour. Do you, husband?”

Thor sat up suddenly, tucking himself back into his pants, “I…I do, I think. Tony Stark has advised me though, that there are ways here on Midgard of preventing conception, they are a very fertile people, it is a necessity here. If you did not wish a child right away…if you wanted to wait, something could be arranged…”

Loki sat up as well, wrapping his arm around Thor’s, “You speak of this as if you are the one who wants to wait husband…is that what you want?”

Thor’s voice was much softer when he spoke again, “I do not think I am ready.”

Loki smoothed Thor’s hair, tucking a stray piece behind his ear, “My Sire said to me once that no-one is ever truly ready for parenthood. It is an endeavour that continues to teach you throughout your life.” 

Thor was silent for some time, “I have seen many babes, held some,” he said eventually, taking Loki’s hand again, “They are so small. I never know how to hold them…”

Loki slid into Thor’s lap, catlike, “I know something of holding babies. The first two years of my brother’s life were spent, any time he was not at my Dam’s breast, in my arms, I would not let any other hold him. If we did have a child husband, you would not be alone in caring for him.”

“I know…”

Loki lent up and pressed a kiss to the end of Thor’s nose, “If it is any help, I think you would make a fine father.”

Thor grunted, “You have barely known me a month…”

Loki shrugged, “I suppose you could say I have a sense about these things…”

~*~*~

It was time for a meeting. A secret meeting. A super secret meeting away from a certain God of Thunder who may become just a little offended (and get that awful “I am hurt by your actions, friends” look on his face) if he heard of what the rest of his team wanted to discuss. 

So that meant Super Secret Avengers Meeting Place No. 375B, more commonly designated on the official Tower blueprints as…the laundry room. Natasha also had to do a load of delicates so it was quite convenient really. 

“Alright, so we’re putting this to a vote,” Steve said, leaning against a dryer, “All those in favour of getting Thor and Loki a hotel room far away from the rest of us…”

“And the rest of humanity for that matter…” Clint added, ever helpful.

Steve gave him a warning look, “All in favour, say ‘aye’”

Tony, Clint both gave enthusiastic ‘aye’s’. 

“Alright, and all those against…”

“Nay” Bruce and Natasha both said, Bruce not even looking up from the bottle of fabric softener he was reading. 

Tony rounded on them both, “Now, you being a traitor I can understand Red,” he addressed Natasha, “But you…Brucey, I thought we were bros…”

Bruce looked up at Tony over his glasses, “Just because we’re bros doesn’t mean I agree with you all the time. I happen to think all of you are overreacting about this. Hey, can you get me a bottle of this next time you go out Nat? It smells amazing…”

“Overreacting?” Tony put his hands on his hips, “Do I need to remind you of what happened three days ago, of the sacred trust which has been broken between me and Thor!? A sacred trust which, once broken, can never hope to be repaired. Do I need to show you the footage again?”

“They had sex on one of your cars Tony, it’s not the end of the world...”

“They didn't have sex on just one of my cars, Bruce. They had sex on the Lambergotti Fasterosa! That car is easily worth twice your annual research budget and they DEFILED it!”

“You should just be thankful they did it on an easily washable surface…” Natasha added, watching her lingerie as it rotated in the machine.

“And we all know what happened next! You all saw what happened!”

“It was hilarious…” Steve said with a fond smile. He had only seen the footage once but it would stay with him for some time, replayed by his near photographic memory over and over again. 

Dummy had caught Thor and Loki in the act and, perhaps knowing his master’s love for his Lambergotti, had started smacking at Thor’s back with his one arm. Thor had ignored him for some time, but eventually pushed Dummy away. Dummy, recorded by JARVIS, had disappeared out of camera range and had come back a few moments later with his fire extinguisher, giving Thor and Loki a quick blast in an effort to make them stop ‘defiling’ Tony’s favourite car. 

Loki had given a screech, Thor bellowing with rage. Both of them had jumped off and Thor had ripped the extinguisher out of Dummy’s mechanical arm, only to slam it down onto the Lambergotti’s bright red hood, leaving an unmistakable fire extinguisher shaped dent in the car. 

Then, they had made a run for it. 

“It was pretty funny actually,” Clint offered, smiling as well. 

“Traitor!” Tony hissed. 

“This is all redundant anyway,” Natasha spoke up, “SHIELD is never going to let you put Thor and Loki up somewhere completely unsupervised. For one thing, Thor is Thor, we all remember what happened the last time we left him home alone, and from what I’ve seen so far, I certainly don’t think Loki is a _calming_ influence. And for another thing, Loki is big blue alien with red eyes. I don’t care how much you pay them Stark, no hotel is that discreet.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is, SHIELD seems pretty happy to parade Thor around in front of the cameras when it suits them…”

“Thor is one thing,” Natasha continued, “His blue man-wife is another. Thor saves the world, Thor has a knack for catchphrases, the camera loves Thor, Thor has great facial hair and abs you could bounce a coin off of…his ass is like something sculpted by god…” she paused for a moment, “Where was I going with this again?”

“Thor is great press, I think was what you were getting at, his new husband on the other hand…” Tony started.

“Wife,” Bruce interrupted, “They’re both pretty clear on that. I think it’s more of a social construct rather than a gender based term up there.”

“Is a forty thousand dollar car repair bill an Asgardian social construct as well, Brucey? Is it?”

“You spent twice that on shoes and neckties last week, I think you can spare it, Tony.”

“It was Fashion Week! And you’re completely changing the subject-“

“Enough!” Steve snapped in his best ‘team leader’ voice, “We’re not getting anywhere here! Now, if I recall correctly, we had a tie and I hadn’t cast my vote yet…”

Steve cast his eyes around the room, everyone stared back at him, each of them silently willing him to vote their way. He weighed over both side’s arguments in his head; on one hand Natasha made some good points, SHIELD probably had some very good reasons for wanting to be discrete when it came to Loki. On the other, Steve was really getting tired of having to announce himself anytime he wanted to enter a room, so Thor and Loki would have a moment to at least pretend to be doing something apart from being…ahem…marital. 

“And…I’m going to have to say nay as well…”

Tony and Clint both gave dramatic groans, Natasha chuckled and unloaded her delicates from the washing machine, Steve moving out of the way so she could move them to the dryer. 

“Alright, it’s agreed then, they stay,” Steve nodded firmly, Tony and Clint were both pouting and he tried to mollify them, “If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll…” he sighed, “I’ll go and have a talk with them about toning it down a bit.”

Tony clapped Steve on the shoulder, “Taking one for the team, eh Cap? Sign of true leadership, I can support that…”

“Not enough to help me, I suppose?”

“Not on your life.”

~*~*~

Steve knocked on Thor and Loki’s door three times, firmly, with purpose. Start strong, go on the offensive, don’t back down! Don’t let Thor give those puppy dog eyes like he does every time Steve has to have a talk with him!

Unlike the last time he knocked, the door flew open almost instantly, Loki standing behind it and stepping to the side to let Steve in. 

“We have a visitor husband,” Loki said, walking past Thor and into the bedroom, closing the door behind him. 

“Uh…trouble in paradise?” Steve asked, looking at the closed bedroom door.

Thor was standing behind an ironing board of all things, his cape thrown over it. He tapped his finger against the plate of the iron, testing the heat before he started ironing, “Our trip has been cut short, he is upset.”

“Oh…but…you just got here…” Steve tried to keep the hope out of voice. 

“Aye, I know Steven. I had hoped to spend some months here but…” Thor set the iron down and moved to the coffee table where an innocuous looking letter with a bright red wax seal was placed. Thor picked it up.

“You may want to stand back slightly, friend…” Thor’s finger moved to open the seal, Steve took a step back. 

As Thor’s finger breached the seal, the letter flipped open and a huge, ominous voice filled the room, deafening, Steve took another step back and covered his ears.

**“THOR ODINSON, YOU AND YOUR WIFE ARE TO RETURN IMMEDIATELY TO ASGARD. DO NOT THINK FOR A MOMENT YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE UNAWARE OF YOUR PRESENCE ON MIDGARD. YOU HAVE NEGLECTED YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES AND PLACED YOUR WIFE IN DANGER AND WE ARE VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. THE AMBASSADOR JARNSAXA HAS ADVISED ME THAT THE KING OF JOTUNHEIM IS BESIDE HIMSELF WITH WORRY FOR HIS SON. YOU HAVE HAD YOUR FUN AND NOW YOU ARE TO RETURN IMMEDIATELY. WE EXPECT YOU BOTH AT THE BIFROST OPENING WITHIN THE HOUR AND IF YOU TH-“**

Thor grabbed the letter, struggling with it until he had it folded back into its creases. As soon as it was folded the voice stopped and the wax resealed itself, looking once again like an innocent, ordinary letter. It took Steve a few moments to compose himself. You don’t see that every day. 

“In a bit of trouble with the folks, huh?”

“Indeed. We may not have advised my Father…or anyone really, of our travel plans before we left.”

“You didn’t tell anyone you were planning a trip to another planet?”

“Why ask when you already know the answer, Steven,” Thor said with a smile, back ironing his cape, “Loki wanted to meet you all, he is very difficult to say no to.”

“I can imagine,” Steve wandered around the room, noting the gift basket he had delivered a month ago was now empty apart from the champagne bottles, open and empty, and the also finished bottle of massage oil, “You’re leaving soon then?”

“As soon as I am finished here,” Thor indicated to his cape.

“Can’t go back home with a wrinkly cape, huh?”

“Indeed not. I am sorry Steven, you probably did not come here to speak about this. Is there something you needed to talk to me about?”

“Oh…” Steve waved his hand, “It’s not important.”

“You’re sure?”

“Oh yeah. Nothing you need to worry about…”

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea about cars so I blatantly stole the "Lambergotti Fasterosa" from the Simpsons.


End file.
